The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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