I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
