i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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