She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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