why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
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Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The Olympian is in my bed
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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