I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
