Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
why do cheetos always look like penises
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He did a backflip because drugs
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