4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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