$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
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The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
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You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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