I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
