well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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