I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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