I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.