I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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