Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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