Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I believe in your delicious
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
