there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
