my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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