I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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