dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
