Will you blow on my dice?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
