The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
