I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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