He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
