you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
