she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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