he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
