The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
it was like having sex with a tree stump
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
