Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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