i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
