What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Tell her she can't have a vagina
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.