How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I need moral support for this bender
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.