He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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