Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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