I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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