Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
