he shaved USA in his pubs
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
