She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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