I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
