and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
