if i can run in heels then i can drive
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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