You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
