never play flip cup with pint glasses
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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