im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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