I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
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dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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