sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
