If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
