I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
