just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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