I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Randomize
