I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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