no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
