She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
