I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
