my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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