I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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